Word on the Street with Stephanie

Unfortunately, congenital heart disease, or CHD, does not follow a specific path with outlined procedures and repairs. It often throws us for a loop and causes us to react in the moment and then live with the fear and flashbacks going forward. About 6 months ago, Faith told me her tummy was shaking. When I placed my hand on her chest I realized her heart was beating very fast. I called 911 and the paramedics brought us to the local ER. Fast forward through all the details and they ended up performing a cardioversion (shocked her heart back into normal rhythm). We have since developed a plan with her cardiologist about what to do next time which put my mind at ease. That last part is a lie. It was supposed to put my mind at ease but my mind is never at ease. In the last 1-2 months my husband and I have noticed that her heart rate is lower than her baseline, and even drops into the 40's when she is sleeping. For reference, a 4-year-old's heart rate should not go below 65 beats ...

I keep reading posts and hashtags about mental health and ending the stigma. But if no one is discussing their own experiences, how can a hashtag alone actually make a difference? So here is my contribution to the mental health discussion: I suffer from anxiety. Sometimes I can keep it at bay and sometimes it is crippling and all-consuming. Outwardly, I make jokes and post about my child's bravery and often hear things like "she's a force" and "you are such a strong mom" and while I understand these come from a place of love, this is my truth: I would never have chosen this path for my child or for myself so I'm actually NOT as strong as others think.  My daughter's heart condition makes me second-guess a common cold and I will spend hours watching her breathe in case this is the cold that attacks her heart or causes some kind of damage that will ultimately come to a head in the middle of the night when I'm asleep. So when she is sick I often do...

Any pregnancy that comes from love is typically a happy and welcomed pregnancy. So why is it that as the number of pregnancies a woman has had increases, the reactions from others changes from happy/excited to shocked/concerned? My husband and I are expecting our third. It doesn't seem like an outrageous number to me, yet the look on people's faces ranges from surprise to pity. PITY. I've even heard, "Oh you poor thing, you're going to have your hands full." Umm yes I know, I've done this twice before. I mean, if you weren't the one to put it there, nor will you be the one delivering it, why do you have an opinion? Are you responsible for feeding, clothing, educating or raising any of these children? Am I going crazy here? Why do people feel the need to impose their beliefs and opinions on others?  I'm aware all of the questions are making me sound gradually more hysterical and I may or may not be hitting the keyboard keys slightly harder with e...

In the time since my last blog post, we have found out we are expecting our third baby (yikes!) and moved into our new house. Busy doesn't even come close to describing life these days. And since my blog is all about honesty, I'm going to tell you how I felt when I first discovered I was pregnant. I was not happy. In fact, I was terrified. Faith was only 14 months and the trauma of my last pregnancy and beginning of her life was still very fresh in my mind and heart. I did not want to go through that again. It took me a long time to accept and then feel happy about another baby. I am now about 5 months along and my feelings have definitely changed. This baby (gender unknown) is healing me from the inside out. I have some deep scars on my mama heart and can feel them slowly fading. So many people have asked us if we are hoping for a boy this time. I typically just smile and say no but here's what I really want to say. We are "hoping" for a healthy baby. We are ...

As I was trying to think about how to start this post, my two-month old woke up crying. That was two hours ago. Now that she has been fed, changed and entertained for awhile, she is snoozing and I have a chance to try this again. What better way to write a post about the craziness of having two children under three years old than with a plethora of interruptions. I finally sat down with a glass of water and checked my email while I gathered my thoughts. After a quick trip to the bathroom I returned to find a small toy in my water which was now cloudy from the grubby fingers of my toddler who had been playing outside. I got up once more to put the glass in the sink and wash her hands only to have her tell me she had a poopy bum. (Potty training a stubborn little girl is another topic altogether so stay tuned for a post about that!) Fast-forward five stomach-turning minutes and here I am...again. Before my second was born, I knew my life would get significantly busier but I couldn'...

My husband and I are thrilled that our beautiful baby girl is finally here. It was a long, exhausting pregnancy filled with worry about the unknown but we are looking forward to putting that experience behind us and enjoying our two beautiful girls. Throughout my pregnancy, supportive family and friends would tell me to have faith that everything would be all right with our little girl. At some point we decided that Faith was a very fitting name so that's what we went with. It also goes very nicely with her big sister's name so now we have Grace and Faith :) One of the things that I need to do in order to move forward is to write about all of the feelings that I had in the last week. Writing is very therapeutic for me and always helps me feel better. Our daughter was born via cesarean section but I was given the opportunity to watch her birth as the doctors and nurses lifted my head up right as she was coming out. With my pregnancy being so clinical, I appreciated the normal...

Hi sweet girl, The day has finally come! We are going to meet you tomorrow and Daddy and I could not be more excited. We just want to hug and kiss you and tell you how much we love you. I want you to know that I loved you even before I knew we were going to have you. You have been our miracle baby from the very beginning. Your birth and first few weeks of life are going to be a little more complicated than they should be but we will get through it as a family. If there was any way I could stop you from feeling pain, I would take your place in a second. I wish I could be the one having this surgery and that your tiny body would not have to go through this. I'm sorry that I cannot do that for you but I promise to be by your side through the whole thing. If I don't get to hold you as much as we would like just know that even if you can't feel me I will still be there so you never have to wonder where I am. Let me tell you a little bit about your big sister. She is very fun...

Hi Baby, There is so much I want to say to you about your sister's birth so I thought I would write you this letter. First of all, Daddy and I love you so very much. The day you were born was one of the happiest of our lives and you have made us better people every single day since then. In fact, it is because you are so special that we wanted to have another baby. Unfortunately, things did not go as we expected and we have had a difficult time since finding out you were going to have a sibling. Mommy had to go through a lot of tests and I cried...a lot. Most of the time I was able to hide it from you but not always. I'm so sorry you had to see me cry. I know it made you worried and sometimes you cried too which only made me feel worse. A mother's job is to protect her child and in that way, I feel like I failed you. Your job is to be a happy, healthy toddler and to play and be worry-free. I'm sorry if I made your job harder for you. I tried very hard to keep my sadne...

Anyone who knows me knows I always have a lot to say. Being at a loss for words or unable to explain myself is not usually an issue for me. Until now. I have discovered that I tend to reassure other people when talking about my baby's health issues. I explain what she has and then say "but everything will be okay" or "we are very lucky that this was discovered during pregnancy" when what I sometimes want to say is THIS IS NOT FAIR. I have two major emotions when it comes to this pregnancy and I have finally decided to stop feeling guilty about one of them. I am sad. I feel as though we have been robbed. Robbed of the happiness that comes with expecting a child, robbed of the joys of feeling the baby move and kick (I still feel happy, but there is always a level of concern that I didn't have with my first), robbed of the excitement of doctor's appointments and planning my child's birth and robbed of that overwhelming love and wonderment that my husba...

Our appointments are scheduled every two weeks since I'm in my third trimester and yesterday was a pretty significant appointment. I have to admit I'm not feeling as optimistic as I have been. I'm sad and I'm scared but first let me review what happened yesterday. When we arrived I went for an ultrasound like I do every time I have an obstetric appointment. Mt. Sinai's high risk pregnancy clinic is extremely busy but I like how efficient it is. I also like seeing my baby grow and getting regular reports of how she's doing. They told me she is just over three pounds and growing right on target which is great news. I was also given a c-section date of mid-March. I was not quite expecting this since at my last appointment I had discussed with the doctor the possibility of scheduling one close to my due date to give my body an opportunity to go into labour. If it didn't happen, then I would go ahead with the c-section but if it did then I would try to deliver h...

Yesterday we had yet another fetal echocardiogram at The Hospital for Sick Children. It was our second of three of these tests and the results were promising. We have been slightly upgraded from Interrupted Aortic Arch to Coarctation of the Aorta. This means that instead of the aortic arch being completely blocked, it is simply narrow; severely narrowed according to the cardiologist but at least it is still open. While this doesn't change the type of surgery our little girl will need once she is born, they did tell us that they expect her to be more stable and spend less time in Critical Care. I am considering yesterday's appointment a win and am confident that we will all get through this. I still have several things to get through and work out in the next 12 weeks but both the hospital where I will deliver and the one where our baby girl will stay are walking me through each step. My appointments are now every two weeks and we have a plan in place for delivery. We are going ...

We ended 2015 and began 2016 running for the toilet as our household was hit with a stomach bug. I have always been a germophobe but vomit takes it to a whole other level for me. Instead of taking my daughter into the bathroom when I saw she was about to get sick, or grabbing a towel or bucket, I just ran around frantically. The last week has taught me that when it comes to having a sick child, I am utterly useless. Thankfully, my husband was able to take charge in that department while I stuck to laundry and disinfecting. I would have doused myself in Lysol if I could but I stuck to cleaning anything I could think of and washing my hands constantly. Lucky for me, we happen to be living with my parents while we wait for our house to be built and my mom helped us a great deal. I am almost afraid of moving out of here and having to deal with a stomach bug without her help. It's a good thing I am almost 7 months pregnant because, for now at least, I can blame some of my craziness on...

I got to see my sweet girl yesterday. One of the good things about having a high risk pregnancy is that you get to see the baby at every appointment. I have already been assured that all of these extra ultrasounds are not harmful to the baby so I have learned to relax and enjoy watching her give the technicians a run for their money. She is so active that they often have a hard time getting the pictures they need. Normally I would apologize but this time around I just smile and think 'that's my girl'. I find these ultrasounds reassuring. I can feel her moving but there is nothing more calming than seeing her move around and having the technicians zoom in on her little heart beating away. I was told that everything looks good and her left ventricle is continuing to grow, although it is still slightly smaller than the right. This is on par with what the pediatric cardiologist told us to hope for because it means they know what they are dealing with and how to fix it. Our ne...

It has been over two months of tests, uncertainty and passive aggressive "suggestions" but we finally have concrete answers. After more ultrasounds than I can count, it has been determined that our baby has Interrupted Aortic Arch and everything else is fine. There was some concern about part of her skull but that has since been resolved. I am now seeing an OB team at Mt. Sinai Hospital in Toronto and while it is a long way to go for regular check-ups, I know that my baby and I are in great hands. They will continue to do ultrasounds to ensure her left ventricle is growing (even though it is smaller than the right side) and as my pregnancy progresses we will meet the neonatal team who will provide round-the-clock care to our sweet girl until she is transferred to Sick Kids. This is the easy part. The hard part will be after she is born. I have already been told that I will only have time for a couple minutes of skin-to-skin contact with my daughter before she is taken for t...

It took me some time to work up the courage to write this post. Did I really want people knowing all of the struggles we have gone through to date? When I was able to answer yes to that question, I decided to go ahead and write. I find writing cathartic. It is my outlet and allows me to express the feelings I have been too afraid to say out loud. It took us over a year to get pregnant with our second child...14 months to be exact. I was one cycle away from beginning a fertility medication when I realized my period was late and that beautiful double line appeared on the test. I cannot even describe the joy I felt as the tears flowed down my cheeks and I planned how I would tell my husband. It turns out I was much too excited to do anything creative and I ended up blurting it out while we were driving to a family dinner. I did everything I was supposed to do. I continued taking my prenatal vitamins, tried my best to eat a balanced diet (even through the all day sickness) and just genera...

"Just relax" "Have fun" "Don't think about it and it will happen". These are all things I heard while on the journey to conceiving our second child. But as the months passed and we still weren't pregnant, those 'helpful' tips became more frustrating and harder to hear. I was constantly calculating how old our daughter would be by the time she had a sibling if we got pregnant this month, or next month or the month after that. And I felt this sense of failure as a woman, a wife and a mother that I was unable to give my husband another child, or my daughter a sibling. As a species, woman are incredibly hard on themselves and I was no different. In hindsight, I'm aware that being in that state mentally did not help me in the slightest but I simply could not help it. Around 6 months into trying, I spoke to my family doctor who told me to wait a few more months and then he would send a referreal to a specialist. A few months later I found my...

I had taken some time off from blogging in order to get settled into my parents' home (where we will be living until we find our next home). Moving was exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally. My husband had the great idea to move on our own without the help of a moving company. At first I was happy he wanted to save money but as we got closer to our moving date, panic began to set in and we both realized it wasn't a good idea. The one positive is that we did not have time to be sad about leaving our first home. We were way too busy to think about it. We did it all with my Mazda 3 and his Ford pick-up truck. Let me just say that neither of those vehicles has the capacity to move an entire house without a substantial number of trips to and from our storage facility. Although it didn't seem like we had much, we were so wrong! Throw in a one-year-old and we had total chaos on moving weekend. Thankfully, we learned our lesson and when it comes time to move again, we w...

On Saturday, October 25, 2014 I had the honour and privilege of watching my younger sister get married. Following in the footsteps of both of her big sisters, she had been dating her boyfriend/fiance/husband for 10 years before they decided to make it official. The day was everything a wedding should be. It was a beautiful day, the bride and groom were surrounded by family and friends, there was plenty of food, speeches were heartfelt and emotional and the guests danced the night away. I am so happy that my sister has found her true love and that they are beginning their lives together. I am excited for her to experience the joys of marriage and am confident that they both have the tools to work through the tough parts. I am also excited at the idea of having more nephews/nieces to love and cannot wait until they start a family. Weddings have a way of bringing out my sappy, nostalgic side and I am sitting here writing this post with a cheesy smile on my face and tears in my eyes. I...

It seems like the moment I got pregnant is when the opinions came flying at me from friends, family and even complete strangers. Breast versus bottle feeding, attachment parenting versus CIO, what to do when your child has a tantrum, what to feed your child and whether or not to vaccinate. My daughter is almost 16 months and for her entire life I have been nodding politely while I listen to everyone tell me what they did or what they think I should do when what I really want to do is say, "mind your own business! My husband and I will raise our daughter OUR way!".  I avoid confrontation at all costs but as time goes on, I find that I am a little braver everyday. Take today, for example. After our doctor's appointment, I decided to go to the drugstore quickly because it was right beside the doctor's office. I knew that my daughter was tired and wanted to nap but I really needed a couple of things and the thought of getting settled at home and then dragging her out of ...

When you talk about listing your home everyone who has been through it proceeds to tell you how difficult it is. I acknowledged the comments and murmured my agreement but holy crap I had no idea how stressful it can be, especially with a baby. We put all of the baby`s toys in the basement, I was vacuuming daily, cleaning the bathrooms just about every time they were used and had to clear off all counters. Every time my phone rang with someone wanting to see the house, I had to scramble to erase all evidence that three people and one dog lived there. Thankfully, our home sold relatively quickly (it really is a great house) and now I have the next month to pack up, organize storage, cancel our utilities and everything else that needs to be done before a move. Did I mention that my sister is getting married in 3 weeks ? Wish me luck!