The Darker Side of a Complicated Pregnancy
Anyone who knows me knows I always have a lot to say. Being at a loss for words or unable to explain myself is not usually an issue for me. Until now. I have discovered that I tend to reassure other people when talking about my baby's health issues. I explain what she has and then say "but everything will be okay" or "we are very lucky that this was discovered during pregnancy" when what I sometimes want to say is THIS IS NOT FAIR. I have two major emotions when it comes to this pregnancy and I have finally decided to stop feeling guilty about one of them.
I am sad. I feel as though we have been robbed. Robbed of the happiness that comes with expecting a child, robbed of the joys of feeling the baby move and kick (I still feel happy, but there is always a level of concern that I didn't have with my first), robbed of the excitement of doctor's appointments and planning my child's birth and robbed of that overwhelming love and wonderment that my husband and I have created a life. I'm sad that when my husband and I go to our appointments the doctors are making plans without us and what we want doesn't really matter. While we listen to their plans for fixing our baby's heart, they don't necessarily realize that ours are broken.
I'm sad that my child is going to be taken from my arms almost immediately after she's placed in them. I'm sad that my husband, who has always been the strong one, is nervous and afraid of his own daughter's birth. I'm sad that I don't have any real pregnancy pictures this time around. I was so careful about documenting each stage of my first pregnancy and this time I'm afraid that my eyes will give away my sadness and I don't really want to remember it that way. So I haven't taken any.
At the same time, I really am grateful that we live near such an amazing, world-renowned children's hospital and that our daughter has the best chance at a normal life because of it. Everything I tell people about feeling lucky is true, but it's so much more complicated than that. Feelings and emotions and yes, even hormones, tend to be complicated and a less than ideal pregnancy just adds to that. I have been so afraid to admit to the bad feelings because I don't want anyone to think I'm unappreciative. I fully understand that there are many parents less fortunate than my husband and I. But I have finally come to a place where I'm allowing myself to feel every emotion without guilt. The guilt won't make those emotions go away and I don't really want them to. This pregnancy may be different than I had hoped but it is still a pregnancy and we will still be having a baby. It just serves as a reminder that things don't always go according to our plans.
I am sad. I feel as though we have been robbed. Robbed of the happiness that comes with expecting a child, robbed of the joys of feeling the baby move and kick (I still feel happy, but there is always a level of concern that I didn't have with my first), robbed of the excitement of doctor's appointments and planning my child's birth and robbed of that overwhelming love and wonderment that my husband and I have created a life. I'm sad that when my husband and I go to our appointments the doctors are making plans without us and what we want doesn't really matter. While we listen to their plans for fixing our baby's heart, they don't necessarily realize that ours are broken.
I'm sad that my child is going to be taken from my arms almost immediately after she's placed in them. I'm sad that my husband, who has always been the strong one, is nervous and afraid of his own daughter's birth. I'm sad that I don't have any real pregnancy pictures this time around. I was so careful about documenting each stage of my first pregnancy and this time I'm afraid that my eyes will give away my sadness and I don't really want to remember it that way. So I haven't taken any.
At the same time, I really am grateful that we live near such an amazing, world-renowned children's hospital and that our daughter has the best chance at a normal life because of it. Everything I tell people about feeling lucky is true, but it's so much more complicated than that. Feelings and emotions and yes, even hormones, tend to be complicated and a less than ideal pregnancy just adds to that. I have been so afraid to admit to the bad feelings because I don't want anyone to think I'm unappreciative. I fully understand that there are many parents less fortunate than my husband and I. But I have finally come to a place where I'm allowing myself to feel every emotion without guilt. The guilt won't make those emotions go away and I don't really want them to. This pregnancy may be different than I had hoped but it is still a pregnancy and we will still be having a baby. It just serves as a reminder that things don't always go according to our plans.
Stephanie this is such a beautifully written article! Hoping you're able to find the joy in the little things as they come up xoxo
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