Getting Real About Mental Health

I keep reading posts and hashtags about mental health and ending the stigma. But if no one is discussing their own experiences, how can a hashtag alone actually make a difference?

So here is my contribution to the mental health discussion: I suffer from anxiety. Sometimes I can keep it at bay and sometimes it is crippling and all-consuming. Outwardly, I make jokes and post about my child's bravery and often hear things like "she's a force" and "you are such a strong mom" and while I understand these come from a place of love, this is my truth: I would never have chosen this path for my child or for myself so I'm actually NOT as strong as others think.  My daughter's heart condition makes me second-guess a common cold and I will spend hours watching her breathe in case this is the cold that attacks her heart or causes some kind of damage that will ultimately come to a head in the middle of the night when I'm asleep. So when she is sick I often don't sleep. She also has a recently diagnosed eye condition which shed some light on previous gross motor delays. Her first surgery came with a success rate of 80% but for some reason, my headstrong, tiny warrior fell into the unlucky 20% and she is now awaiting her second surgery. But this is a fixable issue, so what is my problem? My problem is that I have to lie to every doctor we meet and say that I can handle walking her into the OR and waiting with her while she falls asleep, and then leave her in a cold room with a bunch of strangers who don't know that she likes to rub her fingers against her "teddy" when she is falling asleep, or that she often sighs in her sleep, or that she says "I wuv you too" when I kiss her goodnight. They don't know her but still I am expected to leave her alone with them. It goes against everything I know as a mother. And I have already done it twice in three years. By the end of 2019 I will have done it at least two more times and I just don't think that's fair.

Terms like post-traumatic stress get thrown around often but there are so few people who really understand what it means. For me, it is the memory of an exhaustion I can't put into words; trying to care for a newborn who just had heart surgery, while recovering from a c-section and knowing all the while that it isn't supposed to be like this. It is watching a television show about a sick child and bursting into tears because I remember what it felt like to be given life-altering news. It is the smell of certain cleaners, that put me right back to those early days in the hospital. It is waking up with my heart pounding out of my chest because I dreamt of a code blue and it takes me awhile to understand that it did not actually happen. It is also worrying about the future and missing out on the gift that is my life every single day, or the fear that my babies will absorb these anxieties. 

That's it in a very short nutshell. Usually I wrap up my posts with a nice ending but this is a post about my mental health. And that is very much an ongoing topic.