30-Week Check-Up

Our appointments are scheduled every two weeks since I'm in my third trimester and yesterday was a pretty significant appointment. I have to admit I'm not feeling as optimistic as I have been. I'm sad and I'm scared but first let me review what happened yesterday.

When we arrived I went for an ultrasound like I do every time I have an obstetric appointment. Mt. Sinai's high risk pregnancy clinic is extremely busy but I like how efficient it is. I also like seeing my baby grow and getting regular reports of how she's doing. They told me she is just over three pounds and growing right on target which is great news. I was also given a c-section date of mid-March. I was not quite expecting this since at my last appointment I had discussed with the doctor the possibility of scheduling one close to my due date to give my body an opportunity to go into labour. If it didn't happen, then I would go ahead with the c-section but if it did then I would try to deliver her naturally. The date I was given is almost two weeks before my due date which gives me very little chance of going into labour. The doctor I spoke with (Mt. Sinai operates as a team so I don't always see the same obstetrician) told me he would be fine with waiting another week but when I went to book my next appointment and ask about changing the date I was told that only one person handles c-section bookings and I will have to ask again the next time I go. My husband and I will have to talk about whether we want to insist on a later date or just leave it as is. I was too emotionally exhausted to have that discussion yesterday. So that's where we stand with that.

Following the OB appointment we met with two of the doctors on the Pediatrics team who will be caring for our baby as soon as she is delivered. I had been hoping I would have a couple of minutes for skin-to-skin contact with my baby before she is taken away but unfortunately I was told that they will have to take her almost immediately into the "resuscitation" room to be checked out and started on a steroid called prostaglandin which will keep her aortic arch from narrowing so much that the blood doesn't flow. As soon as he said resuscitation room I stopped him and asked for clarification. We were under the impression that our baby's condition was slightly improved from our initial appointment and well, resuscitation is a terrifying word. One of the doctors apologized and said they should not have said that and referred to it as a transition room instead. I appreciated his effort but if I'm being honest, the damage was done and I found it hard to focus on the rest of the appointment as I could not stop myself from crying. Even as I sit and type this the tears are welling up and threatening to spill over. That all-too-familiar lump is forming in my throat and my own heart physically hurts.

The next appointment we had was with a social worker. It was a different one than I had seen in the past because she and I just weren't on the same page when it came to talking about my feelings. I wanted someone to listen to me instead of interrupting me with unhelpful comments and suggesting medication to help me sleep. Thankfully, from the recommendation of someone I have met while on this journey, I found Melissa. She listened to the diagnosis, asked how we were feeling and talked about some strategies that might help me allow myself to worry without having it completely take over the rest of my pregnancy. Most importantly, she knew some of my fears without my having to say them. Most of which applied to my two-year-old. I am completely terrified of damaging her. I don't want her to feel like I've abandoned her when we're taking care of the baby but I also don't want her to be around and scared of what she sees. I haven't figured out the best way to manage that part yet but I think we will just have to take it one day at a time. I have always been a planner but this situation has taught me that I can't always plan out every detail and that's okay. I may just have to take a page out of my husband's book on this one. He doesn't worry about things too far into the future and he's definitely more relaxed than I am!

That is pretty much where we stand at this point. Now that there is a date in place it feels very real. It's happening. My time of keeping my baby safe on the inside is coming to an end and I don't know what will happen once I am no longer the one in control. I apologize that this post is a little more negative than my others have been but it's an honest look at where I am now. I have learned that it's okay to let myself cry and feel sad as long as I also have periods of feeling happy and hopeful and I definitely have plenty of those.