24 Weeks and Counting
I got to see my sweet girl yesterday. One of the good things about having a high risk pregnancy is that you get to see the baby at every appointment. I have already been assured that all of these extra ultrasounds are not harmful to the baby so I have learned to relax and enjoy watching her give the technicians a run for their money. She is so active that they often have a hard time getting the pictures they need. Normally I would apologize but this time around I just smile and think 'that's my girl'. I find these ultrasounds reassuring. I can feel her moving but there is nothing more calming than seeing her move around and having the technicians zoom in on her little heart beating away.
I was told that everything looks good and her left ventricle is continuing to grow, although it is still slightly smaller than the right. This is on par with what the pediatric cardiologist told us to hope for because it means they know what they are dealing with and how to fix it.
Our next appointment will be a big one. I have another fetal echocardiogram booked and then we will get a tour of the CCU, where our baby will spend time after her surgery. I believe we will also get to meet the surgical team who will take on our case. My plan for that appointment is to make a list of my questions beforehand because I know it will be a long, emotional day and I don't want to forget to ask anything. I spend a lot time thinking about how things will go once she is born and how I will get through it. I usually cry when I think about having them take her to The Hospital for Sick Kids while I'm still being stitched up (assuming I have to have another c-section of course) at Mt. Sinai. My husband and I have already decided that he will accompany her and a family member will stay with me until I am able to be wheeled over to see her. Knowing her daddy will be with her when I can't has given me some peace of mind.
Since I became a mother, nighttime is my time to reflect on my day and think about my choices and what I can do to make tomorrow better. Lately, it is also the time when I wonder if I did something to cause this. The doctors have already told me that it just happened and there was nothing I could have done differently. However, there are always questions in the back of my mind: should I have skipped that medication when I had a migraine? Did this happen because there were days at the beginning of my pregnancy when I was too nauseous to take my prenatal vitamins? There is no worse feeling than thinking this could be my fault and there really isn't anything anyone can say to make that feeling go away. As the mother, it is my job to grow a healthy baby. If I haven't done that then what does that say about me? There. I finally said it. Those deep, dark fears that are so overwhelming at times it feels like I can't breathe. Usually when I'm lying in bed at night the baby is most active. I find it comforting that when I'm thinking about her the most, she's in there dancing and kicking and telling me it's going to be okay. So I find the strength to stop crying, wipe my tears and usually get up to go to the bathroom because all of that kicking and pressing on my bladder takes its toll... :)
I was told that everything looks good and her left ventricle is continuing to grow, although it is still slightly smaller than the right. This is on par with what the pediatric cardiologist told us to hope for because it means they know what they are dealing with and how to fix it.
Our next appointment will be a big one. I have another fetal echocardiogram booked and then we will get a tour of the CCU, where our baby will spend time after her surgery. I believe we will also get to meet the surgical team who will take on our case. My plan for that appointment is to make a list of my questions beforehand because I know it will be a long, emotional day and I don't want to forget to ask anything. I spend a lot time thinking about how things will go once she is born and how I will get through it. I usually cry when I think about having them take her to The Hospital for Sick Kids while I'm still being stitched up (assuming I have to have another c-section of course) at Mt. Sinai. My husband and I have already decided that he will accompany her and a family member will stay with me until I am able to be wheeled over to see her. Knowing her daddy will be with her when I can't has given me some peace of mind.
Since I became a mother, nighttime is my time to reflect on my day and think about my choices and what I can do to make tomorrow better. Lately, it is also the time when I wonder if I did something to cause this. The doctors have already told me that it just happened and there was nothing I could have done differently. However, there are always questions in the back of my mind: should I have skipped that medication when I had a migraine? Did this happen because there were days at the beginning of my pregnancy when I was too nauseous to take my prenatal vitamins? There is no worse feeling than thinking this could be my fault and there really isn't anything anyone can say to make that feeling go away. As the mother, it is my job to grow a healthy baby. If I haven't done that then what does that say about me? There. I finally said it. Those deep, dark fears that are so overwhelming at times it feels like I can't breathe. Usually when I'm lying in bed at night the baby is most active. I find it comforting that when I'm thinking about her the most, she's in there dancing and kicking and telling me it's going to be okay. So I find the strength to stop crying, wipe my tears and usually get up to go to the bathroom because all of that kicking and pressing on my bladder takes its toll... :)
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