My Pregnancy Journey
It took me some time to work up the courage to write this post. Did I really want people knowing all of the struggles we have gone through to date? When I was able to answer yes to that question, I decided to go ahead and write. I find writing cathartic. It is my outlet and allows me to express the feelings I have been too afraid to say out loud.
It took us over a year to get pregnant with our second child...14 months to be exact. I was one cycle away from beginning a fertility medication when I realized my period was late and that beautiful double line appeared on the test. I cannot even describe the joy I felt as the tears flowed down my cheeks and I planned how I would tell my husband. It turns out I was much too excited to do anything creative and I ended up blurting it out while we were driving to a family dinner. I did everything I was supposed to do. I continued taking my prenatal vitamins, tried my best to eat a balanced diet (even through the all day sickness) and just generally welcomed all of the symptoms I had been hoping to experience for so long.
Finally the time arrived for my 12-week ultrasound. I was so excited to see my little bean and the thought never crossed my mind that there would be a problem. But the dark part of our journey began just two days later when the doctor called to tell me that my nuchal translucency measurement was high and I was being referred to the Genetics Clinic at North York General Hospital (NYGH) in Toronto. I didn't know how to process what I was feeling because we weren't sure what we were dealing with. After an agonizing weekend my husband and I attended our appointment at NYGH and were told our baby had a 50% chance of having a chromosomal abnormality and a 20% chance of having a heart condition. Our list of choices for how to proceed was scary. We could choose a CVS which sounded terribly painful and was the riskiest option, we could choose an amniocentesis, we could do absolutely nothing or we could terminate. Options one and four were eliminated right away. They simply weren't the right choices for my husband and I. Doing nothing wasn't an option either because we needed to know what we were dealing with. So we went ahead and did the amniocentesis. I had to wait two agonizing weeks before I was far enough along that they could do the test. During the waiting period I googled, analyzed and read chat forums of people who had gone through the same and tried to guess what my outcome would be based on everyone else's experiences. Basically I drove myself crazy with worrying and reading things that weren't my exact situation.
The amniocentesis was a relatively simple test and once it was over I was instructed to go home and rest. They would call me in 24 hours with some preliminary results. My husband and I waited by the phone for the genetic counselor to call and by the time she did, we were both a bundle of nerves. We were told by so many healthcare professionals that we should "be prepared" and "discuss what we wanted to do" but that was an impossible task. Every time we tried to follow their advice both my husband and I ended up in tears and unable to talk about our fears. There was no way we could decide anything before knowing our results. Our quick results showed no chromosomal abnormalities for the four most common conditions. To say we were relieved would be the understatement of my life. It was at this point that we learned the baby was a girl. We celebrated the fact that we had good news so far and that our two-year-old daughter would have a sister. We had to wait a couple more weeks for the micro-array results to come in but a big weight had been lifted and we could at least attempt to get back to normal life. Less than two weeks later the genetic counselor was calling us again with some more good news: our micro-array came back and all was okay.
The next step was to do my anatomy scan followed by a fetal echocardiogram to check on baby's heart. Thinking we were in the clear, we excitedly awaited the chance to see our baby girl. When that appointment came the radiologist performed the ultrasound and was frowning a lot and kept asking me to turn this way and that so she could get a better view. By the time it was over I was crying because I knew she had found something. That was when she said there seemed to be an abnormality with the baby's heart and she recommended I come back for a repeat scan in two weeks' time. I again got on the phone with our genetic counselor hoping she could interpret what this meant. What I discovered over and over again is that no one was willing to give me any concrete results or tell me what these "problems" might mean. My fetal echocardiogram was going to be moved to an earlier date so they could get a better look as soon as possible and we would go from there. Just two days later I received a call from the Cardiology department at Sick Kids Hospital and was asked to come in the following day. By this time we were pretty much on autopilot. When I received a call about an appointment I dropped everything and showed up. Thankfully, I have a very understanding employer who has told me it is okay to put my family first and has accommodated all of my schedule changes.
At Sick Kids Hospital I had my fetal echocardiogram and then was asked to wait for the doctor to read the results and that they would come and speak to us shortly. When we were finally called in, we were put into a small room with a round table and told the doctor would be in very soon. Then they did something that made my heart drop to the floor; they placed a model of a heart on the table and left. My big, strong husband sat on the edge of his seat, clasped his hands together, bowed his head and began praying. I can still feel my heart pounding when I think about those moments. The doctor finally came in, sat down beside us and said "we found something, but it can be fixed." He then spent the next hour explaining that he believed our daughter had Interrupted Aortic Arch and that she would require heart surgery within her first week of life. He told us that he was 99% sure this was the problem but couldn't be positive until she was born and he was able to do an echocardiogram and some other tests directly on her instead of through me as that left room for error. He explained with diagrams how her aortic arch would close shortly after birth and that there would be no blood flow to the lower half of her body. He told us it is a very rare condition and it is even more rare that they discovered it during my pregnancy. I chose to cling to this lifeline. They found it and could plan how to fix it. I can get through everything else we are facing as long as I hold onto this piece of information. The doctor described how the surgical team would perform the surgery and that she could go on to live a normal life, albeit with checkups every couple of years and a close eye on her blood pressure. He described her hospital stay and her needs during this time. He told me that I would be delivering my baby at Mt. Sinai hospital and that she would be transported to Sick Kids almost immediately after birth where she will be monitored by a neonatal team around the clock until her surgery.
This doctor gave us hope when so many others were preparing us for the worst. He never mentioned termination or giving up. He explained the risks but for the first time I felt confident that we had a plan. The rest of my pregnancy will be a series of appointments and tests but if the outcome is that our baby lives, then bring it on.
I have started to think about the month that the baby will spend in the hospital and how it will affect me, my husband and our daughter. I am trying to plan for that time as much as I possibly can but will be relying heavily on our families and God for help and support. We are constantly being told to have faith and while we are going through a lot, I know it could be worse. I am choosing to see the good in this and am thankful that our baby has been given a chance. Sometimes I feel strong and confident and sometimes I feel like my heart is broken in a million pieces and the tears just flow down my cheeks. I have come to accept that life will be difficult for the next few months but not impossible. A sad commercial can leave me breathless from crying, but I have two very good reasons for being strong and holding it together. One is the two-year-old beside me asking me why I'm crying or making me laugh with her silly antics and one is the baby inside of me who has started kicking up a storm, reminding me to keep fighting and that she is doing the same.
It took us over a year to get pregnant with our second child...14 months to be exact. I was one cycle away from beginning a fertility medication when I realized my period was late and that beautiful double line appeared on the test. I cannot even describe the joy I felt as the tears flowed down my cheeks and I planned how I would tell my husband. It turns out I was much too excited to do anything creative and I ended up blurting it out while we were driving to a family dinner. I did everything I was supposed to do. I continued taking my prenatal vitamins, tried my best to eat a balanced diet (even through the all day sickness) and just generally welcomed all of the symptoms I had been hoping to experience for so long.
Finally the time arrived for my 12-week ultrasound. I was so excited to see my little bean and the thought never crossed my mind that there would be a problem. But the dark part of our journey began just two days later when the doctor called to tell me that my nuchal translucency measurement was high and I was being referred to the Genetics Clinic at North York General Hospital (NYGH) in Toronto. I didn't know how to process what I was feeling because we weren't sure what we were dealing with. After an agonizing weekend my husband and I attended our appointment at NYGH and were told our baby had a 50% chance of having a chromosomal abnormality and a 20% chance of having a heart condition. Our list of choices for how to proceed was scary. We could choose a CVS which sounded terribly painful and was the riskiest option, we could choose an amniocentesis, we could do absolutely nothing or we could terminate. Options one and four were eliminated right away. They simply weren't the right choices for my husband and I. Doing nothing wasn't an option either because we needed to know what we were dealing with. So we went ahead and did the amniocentesis. I had to wait two agonizing weeks before I was far enough along that they could do the test. During the waiting period I googled, analyzed and read chat forums of people who had gone through the same and tried to guess what my outcome would be based on everyone else's experiences. Basically I drove myself crazy with worrying and reading things that weren't my exact situation.
The amniocentesis was a relatively simple test and once it was over I was instructed to go home and rest. They would call me in 24 hours with some preliminary results. My husband and I waited by the phone for the genetic counselor to call and by the time she did, we were both a bundle of nerves. We were told by so many healthcare professionals that we should "be prepared" and "discuss what we wanted to do" but that was an impossible task. Every time we tried to follow their advice both my husband and I ended up in tears and unable to talk about our fears. There was no way we could decide anything before knowing our results. Our quick results showed no chromosomal abnormalities for the four most common conditions. To say we were relieved would be the understatement of my life. It was at this point that we learned the baby was a girl. We celebrated the fact that we had good news so far and that our two-year-old daughter would have a sister. We had to wait a couple more weeks for the micro-array results to come in but a big weight had been lifted and we could at least attempt to get back to normal life. Less than two weeks later the genetic counselor was calling us again with some more good news: our micro-array came back and all was okay.
The next step was to do my anatomy scan followed by a fetal echocardiogram to check on baby's heart. Thinking we were in the clear, we excitedly awaited the chance to see our baby girl. When that appointment came the radiologist performed the ultrasound and was frowning a lot and kept asking me to turn this way and that so she could get a better view. By the time it was over I was crying because I knew she had found something. That was when she said there seemed to be an abnormality with the baby's heart and she recommended I come back for a repeat scan in two weeks' time. I again got on the phone with our genetic counselor hoping she could interpret what this meant. What I discovered over and over again is that no one was willing to give me any concrete results or tell me what these "problems" might mean. My fetal echocardiogram was going to be moved to an earlier date so they could get a better look as soon as possible and we would go from there. Just two days later I received a call from the Cardiology department at Sick Kids Hospital and was asked to come in the following day. By this time we were pretty much on autopilot. When I received a call about an appointment I dropped everything and showed up. Thankfully, I have a very understanding employer who has told me it is okay to put my family first and has accommodated all of my schedule changes.
At Sick Kids Hospital I had my fetal echocardiogram and then was asked to wait for the doctor to read the results and that they would come and speak to us shortly. When we were finally called in, we were put into a small room with a round table and told the doctor would be in very soon. Then they did something that made my heart drop to the floor; they placed a model of a heart on the table and left. My big, strong husband sat on the edge of his seat, clasped his hands together, bowed his head and began praying. I can still feel my heart pounding when I think about those moments. The doctor finally came in, sat down beside us and said "we found something, but it can be fixed." He then spent the next hour explaining that he believed our daughter had Interrupted Aortic Arch and that she would require heart surgery within her first week of life. He told us that he was 99% sure this was the problem but couldn't be positive until she was born and he was able to do an echocardiogram and some other tests directly on her instead of through me as that left room for error. He explained with diagrams how her aortic arch would close shortly after birth and that there would be no blood flow to the lower half of her body. He told us it is a very rare condition and it is even more rare that they discovered it during my pregnancy. I chose to cling to this lifeline. They found it and could plan how to fix it. I can get through everything else we are facing as long as I hold onto this piece of information. The doctor described how the surgical team would perform the surgery and that she could go on to live a normal life, albeit with checkups every couple of years and a close eye on her blood pressure. He described her hospital stay and her needs during this time. He told me that I would be delivering my baby at Mt. Sinai hospital and that she would be transported to Sick Kids almost immediately after birth where she will be monitored by a neonatal team around the clock until her surgery.
This doctor gave us hope when so many others were preparing us for the worst. He never mentioned termination or giving up. He explained the risks but for the first time I felt confident that we had a plan. The rest of my pregnancy will be a series of appointments and tests but if the outcome is that our baby lives, then bring it on.
I have started to think about the month that the baby will spend in the hospital and how it will affect me, my husband and our daughter. I am trying to plan for that time as much as I possibly can but will be relying heavily on our families and God for help and support. We are constantly being told to have faith and while we are going through a lot, I know it could be worse. I am choosing to see the good in this and am thankful that our baby has been given a chance. Sometimes I feel strong and confident and sometimes I feel like my heart is broken in a million pieces and the tears just flow down my cheeks. I have come to accept that life will be difficult for the next few months but not impossible. A sad commercial can leave me breathless from crying, but I have two very good reasons for being strong and holding it together. One is the two-year-old beside me asking me why I'm crying or making me laugh with her silly antics and one is the baby inside of me who has started kicking up a storm, reminding me to keep fighting and that she is doing the same.
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